Porn Valley- The road to Skeeterville is an easy one to follow- your right hand simply makes a left turn up a girl’s ass. But once there I’m not sure which look I like the mayor of the town in best- the Skeeter with a shaved head; the Skeeter wearing a baseball cap or the Skeeter with the Keith Richards bandana look. Tuesday it was the Keith Richards look, and Skeeter was shooting his first ever all-girl movie. And the distinction of this new piece of porn trivia goes to Robert Hill Releasing. www.roberthillreleasing.com.

Because he had other complications to deal with, Skeeter, since last April, has been like a man with a cork up his ass, and Linton at Robert Hill apparently found the right pair of pliers.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for some of those meetings that brought Skeeter into the fold- Skeeter, el blanco diablo; and Linton, the guy with the Samurai ponytail. But for Linton, Skeeter doesn’t shoot just a girl-girl movie. No siree, Bob. By the time the girls are finished, their knuckles will be smelling like a garden supply store. This movie has fisting and double anals and ball gagging and bondage and all the other Skeeter parlor tricks that make him this valued icon in the European market. Likewise, Wall Street’s basically saying buy stock in Corona Beer and boiled shrimp- Skeeter’s shooting again.

Max Hardcore, www.maxhardcore.com, is also on the set, but it’s more because he’s a good friend of Skeeter’s, not to mention that Max’s contract girl, Layla, is working with Kelly Wells in the first scene. Skeeter’s got his tattooed arms wrapped around Wells and Layla. And the ass-grabbing sexual attraction between Skeeter and Wells is as obvious as a Q-tip dug deep in your belly button.

For his customary introductions, Skeeter addresses the camera and calls out his ex-wife Bridgette Kerkove, Gustavo, Acme Anderson and Tim Connelly- basically the unholy four which he says are responsible for putting that cork in his ass to begin with.

“I’m back from the dead, I’m back from hell,” Skeeter pronounces. For now, the gates of hell are located in Tujunga with Skeeter Kerkove and Max Hardcore manning the same pitchfork.

“You cocksuckers [the unholy four] are gone and nobody’s going to fuck with me,” Skeeter continues with his speech to the camera. “I’m the happy father of five.”

Now let the games begin. Skeeter tells Layla and Wells – as if it were God pronouncing the first commandment to Moses- that you don’t take your shoes off during the scene. As it is, Casa Skeeter’s loaded with enough fetish wear to outfit Santa Monica Blvd., but the closets really got stocked with the new spring collection for this shoot.

“This is what the majority of guys around the world like,” Skeeter seems to think.

Before they get going, Wells confides to Layla that she doesn’t know how to fist pussy- something about pubic bones and all that intrusive anatomy.

“But I want to be master of your hole,” Wells is telling Layla in some of their grunt and groan prelims. “Suffocate me in your fuckin’ pussy.” Wells also wants to hear Layla telling her how much of a piece of shit she is. For a more realistic response, Wells should try bouncing a check. But Skeeter says this is porn- no one bounces checks and everyone tells the truth.

A big black cock is also deployed for this scene, and Wells mentions that it has a bend in it similar to Lee Bang’s real one.

“Is he black as the Ace of Spades?” Skeeter asks rhetorically. “I want to be black so bad, I drink Steel Reserve 211- 211 is the penal code for robbery. Steel Reserve is the most vile, evil beer alive.”Besides that, says Skeeter, you can get quite a toot with it for as little as $1.09.

Calling Wells a “white bitch,” Layla, who’s got enough Spanish blood in her to qualify for matador status, is wearing rhinestones on her right wrist. By now Layla has her hand dug so far up Wells’ ass that Kelly’s shit balls are French kissing Cartier. With Wells making rodeo sounds, Layla strikes gold. Wells is squirting, and Skeeter is positively astonished. This is more than he ever bargained for.

“I was caught so off guard by that,” Skeeter says, smiling, to Wells. “But it’s so cool.”

In a frisky POV moment, Skeeter pisses in Wells’ mouth and Kelly gargles it like Listerine. Wells belches, and Skeeter goes humble on her.

“I can’t do anything original- Max has done it all,” says Skeeter tossing a wink in Max’s direction. Wells comments on the vintage of Skeeter’s piss and Skeeter explains that he’s already flushed his radiator out twice with water. Skeeter remembers the first time he met Wells. It was at Max’s house.

“You were wearing a pink cowboy hat,” Skeeter tells Kelly. “Nobody knew I had such a crush on her, but I knew.” Wells explains she has to pee “like a motherfucker” and photog Bill Diehl asks if he can shoot her pissing.

“Skeeter told me every girl’s going to pee,” Diehl explains. Wells pretty much tells Diehl whatever flushes his toilet.

Minutes later, Skeeter is informed that Max, apparently feeling giddy with bladder pressure, was pissing all over Wells and Layla in the bath tub with the cameras rolling. Normally Skeeter gets riled with the marking of one’s territory and unsanctioned pissing in the shower stalls of his pristine abode, but thinks this is a pretty cool gesture on Max’s part.

Kelly Kline and Roxy Jezelle then take a different spin with their scene. Kline’s going to be the dom and Roxy’s going to be the submissive. But Roxy can’t stop from laughing every time Kline barks orders at her. So Kline plants the heel of her stiletto up Roxy’s ass every time at so much as a giggle. Skeeter’s loving this unexpected tweak in the storyline.

“Nothing needs to be edited,” Skeeter’s saying judging by the footage he’s getting. Wielding a strap-on, Kline’s now skull fucking Roxy. Glug-glug-glug are the sounds coming out of Roxy.

“Tell me you want it!” Kline screams.

“I want it in my ass!” Roxy yells back, so Kline proceeds to pile drive her. After several minutes of this, Roxy mentions that her ass is feeling a bit uncomfortable.

“If you rub your clit, you can always take more, even if you’re in denial,” Skeeter advises her. Calling for some baby wipes, Kline asks Roxy if she’d like the pleasure of wiping her dick. Which sounds pretty funny to hear coming from a woman.

By now, Hillary Scott has pretty much become legendary. So is the fact that she still hasn’t been paid by Ducati Productions for the movie Ducati claims Skeeter either stole or shot the worst gonzo movie ever made.

Scott will get paid for this scene with Jayna Oso, however. Oso seems downright respectful to be working with Hillary and tells her, “You’re really fantastic to work with- I wish I was better.” Skeeter remembers fondly the first time Oso did double anal.

“It was at the Tuxford house in a round-robin,” says Skeeter, noting that without Oso’s knowledge, he whispers the words “double-anal” to Jay Ashley, Mark Wood and Mr. Pete. Skeeter then asks Oso if she’d like to try double anal. Oso tells him she doesn’t do it.

“You’ve been doing it for the last minute,” he tells her. Skeeter, who’s been called the greatest suitcase pimp that ever lived by Jim Powers, also remembers being with Oso the night before in a motel room when he was supposed to have been beating up his ex-wife. At least that was the story Bridgette Kerkove was telling before it got laughed out of the police investigation reports. Skeeter introduces Oso as a fugitive from Malaysia, observing, with no particular point being made, that the two tallest buildings in the world are in Malaysia.

Skeeter’s calling the scene with Oso and Scott a Requiem for a Dream. It features a salami-sized dildo and their two buttholes. Scott’s ass is tight like a Chinaman, but with the assistance of the official NASCAR lube, Skeeter’s predicting someone will be fisting someone before it’s all over. And another someone- Scott- will be taking it in the ass with two different dildos.

The scene becomes a duet of tongues and foreign languages. Scott could be yelling out something in Chippewa but it sounds like she’s saying “tobacco and KSEX.” But I don’t think this is what she’s exactly saying. Scott’s now fisting her own ass and wishes her arm could be longer.

“Tonight I eat three pounds of pork!” announces Skeeter after the wrap. Truth is, I think he wishes it could be four.