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Gauge with a Gun

Porn Valley- As Quasarman so aptly noted, Gauge visited her KSEX show, Friday. She’s been on the road for several weeks and it appears that asphalt will continue to be in her future. Quasarman referred to Gauge as everybody’s favorite Coal Miner’s Daughter who does anal.

Gauge gave a rundown of her recent itinerary noting that she had been in Reading, Pa., Providence and Kansas City Missouri. Quasarman asked if folk there didn’t call it “Missoura.” Gauge said she calls it “misery” because she hates it there. On the other hand, Gauge said something interesting happened to her at Providence airport which is like saying something interesting happened in an Iraqi prison.

Gauge said her wardrobe includes a number of costumes including a cop-one that includes props, notably a cap gun. Gauge said she’s been flying around the country quite a bit but this was her first major incident. According to Gauge, she calls the airline ahead of time to notify them about what she has in her check-in luggage.

Gauge: I’m coming through Providence. They check your check-in baggage. They see something. They’re like do you have any matches. I said what I think you’re seeing is my little cap gun that goes with my costumes. They were already looking through my costumes. They knew it was a costume bag. There’s like seven [costumes] elaborate ones in there. I tell them exactly where it [the cap gun] is. He’s like, oh, this is a gun! This is a gun! I’m like, dude, look at it. It’s fucking plastic. It’s a cap gun. There’s no serial number on it. He’s like I’m not going to touch it. It’s got live ammo in it. I’m like, oh yeah, dude, it’ll blow a hole right through you. Watch the fuck out. He started being a real dickhead so he calls the cops on me. So there’s four cops there and they’re just being dicks. And a lady comes over and is, like, what’s the serial numbers on it? They’re telling me that they’re going to confiscate it. I’m like, fine, whatever. They’re $20 bucks. They’re like, and you’re going to be served papers through the mail with civil charges. That’s when it pissed me off. I’m going to have to go to civil court over a fucking cap gun? The chick comes over and she’s, like, what’s the serial number? They’re, like, there is no serial number. I’m, like, why the fuck is there no serial number? Do they just make some firearms with serial numbers and some without? I’m starting to get really, being myself, on their asses. Fuck you! I called the airline before I even took this thing on here and one guy’s goes who did you talk to. I said, you know what, dude? I don’t know who the fuck I’m talking to, now. What’s your name sir. He goes you’ll find that out in the report. He’s, like, I can’t tell you that. I said, well you know what? That’s who the fuck I talked to.

Quasarman was curious if any of the people Gauge was dealing with were visible minorities of any kind. “I know there’s certain qualities that come out in a southern person such as yourself when they are in a heated argument with a person of color.” Gauge then brought up the fact how Mexicans at Metro kicked her off of the parking lot and how black people flip her off on the highway.

“And then regular white people want to press me with charges for a cap gun,” she said. “Fuck ’em all that have attitudes like that. It comes in all colors.” Quasarman suggested that she start hanging out with only American Indians. “You’re a persecuted minority much like our friends, the American Indians.”

Quasarman wanted to know the end esult and if Gauge got sent to Guantanamo Bay.

Gauge: They’re sitting there and they’re like looking at it- the cops are. They’re like you’re going to get charged with firearms. The guy has his gloves on looking at it, trying to take it apart. It’ fuckin’ plastic. I go, look, dude, you pull that out. The little cylinder, round thing falls off and that’s what it does. Anyways, they were all acting stupid- like, don’t the cops know how to take apart guns? Isn’t that part of your training? Apparently not. They were being really cop-style with me. For a little cap gun, I’m going to be getting a paper in the mail about civil court. They gave me a sheet that says the rules and guides of the airport. It says starter pistols and says yes it’s allowed in your check-in baggage. But it’s up to the discretion of whoever’s viewing it and the cops whether they will a) confiscate it or press charges or both. And they decided to do both.

Quasarman suggested that perhaps with Gauge becoming irate, that might have inflamed the situation. Gauge said they knew she was pissed off: “This is fucking absurd and I can’t believe this shit, can I go now? I’m going to miss my fucking flight. They didn’t have to be dicks. They were attacking me like I was a criminal and kept pushing the buttons.”

Judging from his own experiences in airports, Quasarman advised Gauge, “You never argue with the man because you can’t win with the man. Another thing you shouldn’t do is never argue with your wife because you can’t win then, if you’re a man and argue with the wife because all women are insane.”


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