If you’re a Scott Fayner lookalike, you’re in with Carey

Mary Carey was on Howard Stern this morning talking about her dripping pus bout with gonorrhea and her break up with Tom Green. Not that there was a relationship of note to begin with. Carey said she never got to fuck Green. Then, again, Green must have known something we didn’t. Carey also said that Green broke up with her because her date with him was recorded on a porn website. Carey credited Luke Ford.com with the story when, in fact, the story was recorded in exhaustive detail on therealgeneross. Then, again, Carey fucks Scott Fayner so our suggestion to Mr. Fayner is to check for lesions.

Stern noted that Carey showed up in the studio drunk off her ass and that her gubernatorial candidacy wasn’t going all that well. Stern also mentioned that Carey was now doing guys on-film. Carey said she was out partying the night before and had a load of vodka and tonics which she was still feeling. “You seem a little high to me,” Stern told her. Stern noted that Carey has also put on a few pounds.

Carey said she hasn’t had the time to work a lot since running for governor. “All I’ve been doing is campaigning. And I got divorced.” Stern voiced surprise that Carey got married to a guy. Asked who it was, Carey said just a normal guy who didn’t like her being in porn. “He wants me to just be a normal girl.”

Carey said that’s another reason why she’s now going men on film because she’s free to do so. Before he was not into that. Then I got all of a sudden, single, so it was like okay. Stern said he heard Carey contracted gonorrhea the first time she did a guy on film. Cary admitted it was her first boy-girl scene. Carey said she was about to shoot her Playboy show when she got a call. Carey didn’t say whom she talked to but was told the guy she worked with had gonorrhea. “That’s what I get for making that decision.” Carey said the guy she worked with had a sex scene with another girl the day before he worked with her. Carey said the testing is a joke. “People are putting their lives at risk.” Carey said she didn’t get shot but had to get tons of pills.

Carey also said that she works for Kick Ass Pictures who are known for non-condoms. She asked if she could work with them. She claims they told her no. “They don’t want you working with a condom?” Stern stressed. “Exactly,” said Carey. Stern admitted that Carey’s run for governor was a clever publicity gimmick but said her campaign was going horribly. “You’re not attracting any votes.”

Carey claims to be in sixth or seventh place. Stern found that surprising. Stern said he was backing Arnold, nonetheless. Carey said she liked him because he had the group sex-thing back in the Seventies. Which prompted a call from an Arnold impersonator, possibly the same one who presided over the Tabitha Steven’s stunt involving a guy who had to eat dog shit to earn a date with Stevens.

While Carey didn’t have to eat shot on the show, Stern noted that her head was dunked in a toilet when she flunked an IQ test. Asked if there was any gonorrhea in his background, the faux Arnold laughed that one off. “Stop it Howart, there’s not anythink like dat. You alvays ask me dose qwestchins. I lof you.”

Carey said she has a lot of platforms, one in which she wants bars and niteclubs opened til four in the morning. Carey said she also wanted to legalize gay marriage. “It’ll help with honeymoons.” Stern informed the faux Arnold that Carey wasn’t wearing any underwear and then instructed Carey not to get any gonorrhea on her chair. Her feathers ruffled, Carey said she was treated. Asked where she stood on double penetration, Carey said she didn’t do it, but that her friend Hannah [Harper] does.

Carey was also asked why she didn’t appear on last week’s televised debate. Carey explained that it was limited to the top six candidates by the California Broadcasters Association. Stern then brought up Tom Green and the fact that Carey appeared on his now defunct show. Carey said she felt bad about that because Green really loved the show. Stern thought Carey gave Green a blowjob after the show. Carey explained that it was a couple of days later. Stern wanted to know how that worked. Carey said one of his producers set it up by giving Green her number. Green, according to Carey, called her that night. She was busy hanging out with a guy she was dating. Then he called Carey the next night. Carey said she has a thing for comedians and liked Green’s personality. “He really is just like his show.”

Carey said when Green came back from Seattle they got together at his house on a Sunday and watched a TV show about sharks. “He’s very funny. He watches the Discovery Channel and makes jokes the whole time. Just funny things about sharks.” Carey said she drank wine; Green drank beer. Pressing her for more details, Carey said she got to Green’s house around five but didn’t start making out till around nine. “It was during The Sopranos that we started kissing.” Carey said there was an awkwardness about what they should do next. Stern thought it a waste of four hours. “Couldn’t he have just gotten right to the sex?” Carey said she’s like a guy when it comes to sex but that she was trying to be classy and hold something back. “That’ll change your reputation,” Stern said sarcastically.

Carey rated Green as a pretty good kisser and the same for his house. “It’s decorated very well, actually. It’s fun.” Stern imagined that Green would have toys and pinball machines. Things like that. Carey alluded to a kid’s room, although Green doesn’t have kids. At least on the record. Carey said Green then took her hand to go to the bedroom. “He took me by the hand.” Stern said why go there. Carey said she wondered that, too. Stern said his experience was never break up the action. “It gives a girl a chance to think.” Stern was curious how Green looks naked. Carey said she got naked.

Stern brought up the fact that Green only has one ball. Carey said she never got to see it. Carey said she told Green about how she knew about his one testicle but that he wouldn’t show it to her. “He left it hidden.” Carey said Green left his boxers on. Carey said it happened again the next time they were together. Green was good at giving oral, according to Carey. “I’ll give him that.” Green wanted intercourse, but Carey claims she was holding back thinking that he was going to call again. Green did but only to discover that Carey ratted him out to the porn press. “Who reads a porno gossip site? said Carey. “Little did I know that mainstream media reads a porno gossip site.” According to Carey, Green said he couldn’t believe that she told the story.

Carey swore to Stern he’s the first person she’s told the story one-on-one to. “The other people just picked up the story.” [If that’s true then what was Carey doing calling me to tell me the details of it.] Carey also said that it was wrong of her to kiss-and-tell though she didn’t mind telling Stern that she’s saved all of Green’s phone messages. She also hoped that her fling with Green had nothing to do with his show being cancelled. Continuing in her kiss-and-tell mode, Carey also spilled the beans about the outcome of Wednesday’s telecast on the Game Show Network and mentioned that she wins. “I just totally ruined the suspense.”

Asked how she got so good at giving blowjobs [Green, according to Carey wanted second helpings that night], Carey attributed it to porno. “Saliva’s important. And normal girls don’t know that.” Carey said she found Green’s prowess impressive. Especially with one nut. “I thought they had less…you know.” Asked if she ever hung out with celebrities before. Carey promised someone not to give his name, that someone being Paulie Shore.

“He’s trying to change his reputation…Paulie Shore.” Carey claims Shore called her asking not to mention his name on Stern, that it’s taken him 12 years to get rid of the whole porn star stigma. Carey said she went to see Shore’s comedy act about a month ago. “He was very funny.” Carey said she brought Shore to a Playboy TV party for Totally Busted. “He was all over everyone.” Carey said Shore is quick to pull his pants down and that’s why she didn’t go out with him. “I’m not kidding.”

Stern also noted her resemblance to Mariah Carey. Carey said that’s where she took her name from.

A caller-in named Steve asked if her divorce was final. Carey said she recognized his voice. Steve said he banged Carey on a couple of occasions. Carey recalled that she was about 16, 17 when it happened. Another caller, Justin, said he went to high school with Carey.

“We went to one of the top prep schools in the southeast. They won’t mention anything about her but she’s the most successful girl to graduate from her class.” Justin identified it as Pinecrest School in Ft. Lauderdale. Carey explained that she went on a ballet scholarship and took an IQ test to get in. “I did better than I did on your show, obviously,” she told Stern. Justin also claims that Carey once fucked a guy with Saran Wrap, not having a condom.

“That was a rumor,” Carey said. Justin said it was no rumor.