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“Here’s an Exclusive for you”

I’m sitting home working on the KSEX Newsletter and the phone rings.

“Wanker?” the voice on the other end asked.

“Yeah, who’s this.” I responded.

“It’s the other Wanker.” he said.

“Not ‘the real’ other Wanker?” I asked.

“Yeah, it’s Wanker Wang.” he said.

So, within approximately one millisecond I think to myself, “what the fuck does he want with me” and “how the hell did he get my number” and “did I leave the coffee pot on from this morning?”

Wang continues, “I’m sitting in the car with Kat [] and massaging her vulva right now. Hey, let me ask you something, how come you never have me on KSEX?”

I replied, “Well…perhaps because we don’t really cross paths and…well…you never asked. But of course, you’re certainly welcome to come in if you’d like.”

He muttered many other things that couldn’t be translated if I had a Kitty Dukakis Autographed dictionary until I finally said, “Hey Wanker…let me know when you’ve got some time and we’ll get you in.”

Wang said, “You don’t want me on the show, I’m shy and I’d probably be drunk the whole time anyway.” I said, “That’s fine. I can get drunk before I interview you.”

“You’re not going to put me on there with a bunch of fucking idiots are you?” he asked. “I mean if Tony Sexton or Dick Tracy are there, I’m going to go nuts.”

I said, “You don’t have to be on with anyone you don’t want to be with, but ya know, idiots make good radio. Have you ever seen any intellectual speakers on the Stern show?”

[muttering, laughing, dropping the phone, burping, probably farting]

Wang launches back in, “Hey Wankus, I got an exclusive for you, write this down.”

[scrambling for a pen with pure disillusion that a true, incredible story is about to be born]

“Shoot,” I say.

“So, I’m at a party with Kat here. They didn’t have a bathroom so she kind of had to just go wherever–ya know? So, I decided to go down on her ass. I ate her ass, I’m chewin’ on dingleberries and shit. Hey, Wankus, I shit you not, her ass tasted like pumpkin pie. Serious Wank, Kat’s ass tastes like pumpkin pie. Feel free to put that up on your site. I won’t even use it on mine [].”

Wow! I’m speechless. I mean, the camaraderie in this business is just amazing. Any other adult journalist would’ve kept that story for himself. But Chico Wang AKA Wanker Wang, wanted to bond with me tonight. This is just what the Bible talked about when they said The Coming of the Wankers would happen and the world wouldn’t be ready for it. Well, they were right.

I can’t even continue with this story, I’m so overwhelmed and actually a little fuzzy inside [don’t get any ideas Jason Curious].


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