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Hey, There’s a Midget in Your trunk-final

Porn Valley- Day 2, and Ava Vincent’s still missing. And it’s cold enough to freeze the attitude off a Van Halen album cover.

Still, by Friday afternoon, the Sinsations 2 shoot for Dusk Till Dawn Entertainment is running so smoothly that the ol’ pro Robert Lombard reaches into his bag of merry music stories. Lombard, who was working for Van Halen at the time, says the group kept midgets on the payroll, and Lombard remembers taking one of them along with him to the Billboard Music Awards. Except Lombard’s driving a Porsche and has a hot date in Santa Monica. So Lombard puts Bruno, this particular midget, in the trunk of his car to make room, and Lombard goes to pick up his date. Except Lombard entirely forgets he has Bruno in the trunk.

Lombard’s date is a pretty straight arrow and makes him swear that he won’t pull any of his David Lee Roth-inspired horse shit. So Lombard swears on a stack of sheet music that he’s going to behave himself. But when they arrive at the awards show, Lombard, in a moment of clarity, suddenly remembers he’s got Bruno in the trunk. As Lombard sheepishly pops the latch to let Bruno out, his date’s horrified.

Lombard may have told this story before, but he’s doing it with the flair and nuance of turning crimson and strokin’ out, so much so, that I’m tempted to hand him a paper bag to blow into. Laughing himself hoarse, Lombard continues with the fact that once inside the show, he’s amused to no end with Bruno’s attempts to sit, his tiny legs popping just over the edge of his seat. He then sends Bruno to get some drinks. Aware of the fact that midgets supposedly have this tendency of pulling their dicks out in public with little or no provocation, moments later Lombard sees this tray of alcohol levitating down the theater aisle with no particular body attached to it. Lombard’s describing how Bruno’s holding it waiter style, but you can’t see Bruno.

On other occasions, Lombard and Roth, for the hell of it, would take Van Halen groupies over to an apartment complex in Hollywood which was designed for midgets. The complex was apparently built to house the cast of Munchkins during the filming of Wizard of Oz and leases have been passed on to their surviving relatives.

Lombard’s saying you should have seen the shock register on the horrified faces of some of these dregs of society, groupie skank-hos when they walked into this joint- everything scaled to practically HO train size.

And, of course, Lombard segues goes into his favorite story of all- the time he got jacked off by a female midget. According to Lombard, the midgets on the Van Halen payroll were required to bring diminutive female companionship to weekly dress up date parties where there’d be booze, drugs and impromptu stripteases. Besides the fact that the cushions of the couches were such that the midgets were sucked into them like Venus Flytraps, Lombard proceeds to relate how one of the women- naked but for a garter belt and stockings- played with his penis and how enormous his cock looked in her tiny hands.

I get the impression that similar goings-on occurred in the house where Sinsations 2 is being shot, Ava-less

Earlier in the day Lombard and I got into a discussion about the celebrated catfight between Vincent and Dillan Lauren.

Lombard’s hearing rumors that this could be the same place where the infamous burrito fight was staged. And I’m only going from memory, having seen the footage awhile ago, but I think there might be some truth to it. Lombard asks the owner, Dan, who I used to run into at PSK. Dan says he acquired the house maybe three months ago but doesn’t think it was here. [Later I checked the tape, and it was another location.]

I’m also hearing stories about how Sinatra used to party at this house which was once owned by Roger Miller. I hear that this place, located just off of Winnetka, had quite a reputation for hosting Hollywood nudie poolside confabs.

Naked herself just moments earlier, the gorgeous Brooke Haven has brought her pet Tinker, a Pomeranian, to the set. Tinker was a gift from Derek Hay, and Haven laughs about how she was never going to be one of those performers who brought her dog with her to shoots. Lombard remembers how Taylor St. Claire used to bring her two Yorkies to the set and how they’d shit all over the place because St. Claire insisted on feeding them Cheez Wiz. Brooke’s dog then takes a dump on cue and is almost ready to eat it but Brooke makes a diving scoop.

Brooke tells me she’s having her gums lasered as prep for some veneer work. I tell her- wait and see- that she’s going to become a plastic surgery junkie. She swears not. ClubJenna contract girl McKenzie Lee then goes through a laundry list of some of the things Jenna Jameson’s had done under the knife but says Jameson, at the same time, looks phenomenal.

Lombard’s joking about making softcore history with a simulated strap-on scene involving one of the male performers. Lee says she’s going to be doing Tom Byron in the ass this week. Lee remembers working with Nick Manning for her first ClubJenna shoot and that Manning’s remarking how good looking he was. As part of the scene, Lee says she spit in his face.

Her appearance in Sinsations 2 is also a softcore first for Chloe Morgan who just got into the business about six weeks ago. Morgan’s also with LA Direct Models and tells me that she used to find porn repulsive and always wore a T-shirt when having sex. Asked about the flamboyant 180, Morgan, who was brought into the business by Steve Austin, says her attitude changed after she got talking to some of the other girls in the industry.

Syren’s ecstatic because earlier in the day she squirted for the first time in her life. But this was off camera. In an interview, Syren’s telling me about how she made Cytherea squirt on KSEX last week and was totally struck with the moment. Syren seems to think that Cytherea must have had some kind of hypnotic influence upon her because she’s never gushed before in her life. Syren’s showing me how she registered shock while in bed with Evan Stone and then tested the waters so to speak to determine if it was piss or gush.

Upon review, the referees determined that it was gush.


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