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In Legal Case, PopPorn Outlines The Comedy of Errors

Philadelphia-base came out to California the end of February to shoot a porn movie. According to this post the shoot ended up in a court room.

Here’s what has to say on its site: How does the phrase go? Something about the best laid plans sucking or some shit?

So, we’re makin’ a porno right? You’ve been following our twittering leading up to this event, you’ve seen the press release, you’ve been reading our diary. Well, today was day one of the three day shoot and it appears now (as I called it) this might not have been the best idea. I said, look, thanks for the offer but we’ve never shot a porn before and we’re talking BUCKTON…directing…BUCKTON might, and I stress might be able to direct himself pooping but even that is a stretch. Did they listen? No, of course not…they said it would be fine, a monkey can direct porn…

Well, unless they were talking about those monkeys that can fly spaceships or star with Matthew Broderick in some flick or some shit, they were wrong. Dead wrong.

The day started off aok. The hotel we are staying at is clean and reasonably priced…that’s what we need, clean, reasonably priced. We have free internet access which is awesome (and rare) and a free breakfast buffet! We were to be on set at 9AM so a quick bite was golden. We got in the car around 8AM to make sure we had enough time to make it to the location (you know how Los Angeles traffic is) and from that point on, it seems that everything went to shit.

BUCKTON insisted on driving for some bizarre reason (not sure he even has a license), somehow we lost our GPS so we had no real directions on how to make it to the set and of course this lead to Double D trying to take control of the situation and BUCKTON sort of losing his shit. We drove around for fucking ever, BUCKTON yelling, Double D trying to make sense of where we were and me trying to connect with the production manager to actually get some real directions. These three things sort of…well let’s be honest, completely made us late to the set.

Of course, it wasn’t even THAT simple. Did I mention we showed up at the wrong house? Something about the difference between “way” and “place” in an address has very dire consequences on reaching a specific destination (I believe this is the real secret behind LOST’s whole time travel mystery, but that’s for another time.)

Anywhoo…yep, we show up at the wrong house, BUCKTON makes an ass out of himself insisting that this house (the wrong one) is where, “…the fuck happens”. The lady was nice enough to provide some tea and cookies of some sort, but after some weird advances freaked BUCKTON out, it finally convinced him that this house was NOT the correct house. Duh BUCKTON, duh.

By the time we found the correct house, the cast and crew were clearly pissed. I tried to calm things down behind the scenes, but BUCKTON, being BUCKTON immediately went to work, “directing”. This, of course, lead to more pissed off people on set…an argument broke out and BUCKTON fired the fucking male talent that was set to shoot a scene with Bobbi Starr. Brilliant. I’m not sure we’re really allowed to fire any talent but the production manager was there to faciliate this movie being made via our, “vision” so this male talent (no, I’m not gonna name names) was run off. Again, brilliant.

Thankfully, there was a fill in available for Ms. Starr. Granted, the scene had to be changed to a girl/girl scene but at least we got a scene!
Agh. As I said, the best laid plans. I now have to call the owner of the company that we are partnering with to explain this disaster and assure him that everything is fine. I assume a phone call to the male talent and an apology will need to happen and at some point, I’m going to have to kill BUCKTON.

So that’s life as it stands right now. Awesome right?

Part 2: I suppose we should change this diary to read, “WE MADE A PORNO”, however, that would mean that we had created something and in all honesty, it’s probably more accurate to say something was made but I’m now sure we had anything to do with it.

Look, making a movie is hard enough. Throw in professional fuckers with tight time constraints, budgets and things that we don’t really understand and what you have there, is a recipe for disaster. I apologize for the lackluster diary entries during shooting. If you have been following us on twitter, well you’d know by now that production didn’t go as smoothly as one might have hoped. You can catch of the details here.

To catch you up on what’s been happening since I last posted would take about thirteen diary entries, each more stupid then the previous so I’ve decided to give you a bullet point list on what went wrong with the shoot so that we can at least get to the business of what went right and will go right in post-production. So, here we go…

– We got lost (thanks BUCKTON), thought we found the right house but we clearly didn’t. This lead to a truly bizarre situation with BUCKTON sort of breaking into the wrong house to find a surprised LA hills home owner confused but rather hospitable and possibly, waaaay to hospitable.

– We arrived late on set because of being lost. However, the director on set who was there to help us got tired of waiting and decided to shoot the scene anyway. It was with Lexi Belle and James Deen so thankfully we got that footage. However, we did arrive just at the end of the scene and since BUCKTON missed it, it lead to an argument that lead to a continuation of our horrible day (thanks BUCKTON).

– Made it set just fine (I insisted on driving). BUCKTON gave cast and crew a “pep talk” which I thought was to be an apology for our fuck up the day before. Instead, he freaked out about how uncool it was that the production manager had made us late for the sex scene by giving us bad directions. This lead to some more frustration and BUCKTON actually firing someone from the production. As I said, we had no idea we could do this, but the production manager said that he was told it was our show. Ouch.

– The person fired was male talent which meant we couldn’t shoot the scene we had planned to shoot, so fortunately, Ryan Keely, a female performer, was on set to help with production and was willing to step in and make the scene a G/G scene with Bobbi Starr. Lucky, very lucky.

– BUCKTON goes missing. Did I mention this yet? Yeah, he left the set on day two with a friend and, unbeknownst to us, the video cards from the previous two days.

– Had to spend the better part of a day looking for him, and at least asking for the video cards back.

– BUCKTON came back with the cards.

– Kimberly Kane and John Strong (whom BUCKTON insisted on calling Erik Everhard because he was the planned male talent for the day but cancelled) shoot a great scene, which I assume is ruined because BUCKTON kept getting in shots suggesting positions.

– BUCKTON tazed himself. Well, not really a tazer but a stun gun which we had on set for a planned, really funny segment.

– We left BUCKTON on the set one night because no one wanted to deal with him. Not sure what he did overnight.

– BUCKTON tried to purchase a handgun and hire male talent that would let us taze them. You can’t buy a hand gun in a day in CA, and only an idiot would allow themselves to be tazed…BUCKTON?

Anyway, that’s some of the events that occurred. Do we have a movie? Yes, we did manage to get scenes shot. Will it come out? We have no idea. We’re looking through all the content to salvage a five scene gonzo film. MEAT BALL has his work cut out for him.

We’ll keep you updated. Thank god we’re home.


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