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Jeff Hickey: The Curse of My Porn Past;Tiffany Million included

Jeff Hickey writes on MySpace: More fucked up then the fact Ron Jeremy once overshot his target and his gelatinous spunk iced my forearm while I was holding a C-light is that I was once married. And rarely do I bring up either fact. Usually it slips out when I’m trying to top someone else’s story during a “who’s got a bigger, badder scar” competition. Wearing the Hedgehog’s semen like a Lance Armstrong’s “Live Strong” bracelet usually makes me the winner. Farting that information from my pie hole also guarantees that I’m going home alone again but, fuck it, someone owes me drink or a line: It’s a curse of my porn past I can live with.

When I’m not trying to gross out everyone around me, saying I was once legally welded to another person typically noses me over the finish line, especially if you’ve known me for more than five minutes. If though, I get hit with a “oh yeah well my Mother ran off with my Husband after she bailed him out of jail for beating the shit out of me” story (I have) I turn the dial further to the right for that one louder moment and pull out the married card.

I too have fucked up tales, but my fucked up stories go to eleven. One louder than everyone else. It’s no contest when I add that my temporary life insurance benefactor was once a hardcore lesbian cum G.L.O.W. wrestler cum porn star cum internet whore cum housewife cum Satanist cum bounty hunter. Who, by the way – and the reason I’m even writing this – has a reality show premiering in a couple of months on the WE network. Believe it or not smack dab in the middle of that resume – right between winning an AVN award for “Best Gangbang” to having 24 hour webcams in her apartment, I once owned the new “Dogmino.”

The same woman that would loudly pass gas in a full restaurant and blame it on me now owns a gun and hunts down guys that jump bail. What bothers me is I could be one of those guys. I can read the headlines now; “Ex-wife takes in ex-husband after she lures him into handcuffs by promising he can have all his CDs back!” Hell, I’ll put that story up against a dog licking your balls while you were fucking your cousin any day.

My ex-wife, bless her little pink clitoris, has worn more hats than I’ve worn condoms. She’s a living mechanical bull to say the least and bragging about once being hitched to her for the ride is not something I do to make me seem cool at a party. I still think twice before I fill in the divorced box when I’m checking into rehab or getting booked. Although saying I once tied the knot to an adult film star doesn’t really pack the wallop of having to wipe Ron Jeremy’s cum off of my arm before it started eating my flesh does, (I actually had to wait until the shot was completely over before I could clean it off in case you were wondering) I can now add that my body building Mother of two with a torrid past can and will taser me if I jumped bail on a traffic ticket in Arizona. Sorry RJ.

For the record I loved her (still love her in that other friendly way) and we got married because…well…because…um…wait why’d we get married? I cared about her. For example while we were fucking I once surgically removed a tampon from her pussy that she forgot was in there. This after two weeks of packing it in like I was loading a musket. Once the petrified cotton ball was uncorked from her fallopian tube I swear I could see the smell it was holding back. If I think about it I can still conjure up the odor. And yet I still ate her pussy after it had cooled down that very same night. No doubt about it I was head over Vans for this woman. So what if it was a sham marriage made in haste, convenience and publicity. A smelly cunt wasn’t going to keep me from marrying her. I was in luuuuuuuvvvvv. But, if I had known that she was going to become the “enemy” and not just my bitch ex wife I would’ve let her have toxic shock syndrome. (She’s actually a very decent woman who has helped me numerous times even if she’s got a fake badge pinned over her fake tits.)

So why am I even writing this? Well I got a press release from my ex threatening that her show is going to knock “Bridezillas” on its ratings ass with its raw and edgy take on the typical housewife who moonlights as a renegade psuedo extension of the police (who I fucking hate) and it got me thinking. With news like that I just had to ask her the obvious question: Would she take me in if the order was handed her way or would she give me a chance to leave or something? I called her and asked her and I was surprised to hear her answer. (more of that in a minute)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and clarify I am by no means a ‘law abiding” citizen of the world. I barely wear my seatbelt and fucking jaywalk like I’m trying to steal third base, daring the pigs to pick me off. I “allegedly” do lots of other things that the law frowns upon, but nothing I can mention here for fear I might actually get caught. It’s no secret that I’ve fought the law and the law has beat me worse than a trailer park wife for not doing the dishes. Thanks to that ass whooping, I have a new respect for those that enforce the laws I don’t agree with, but that doesn’t mean I don’t fucking hate the cunts. That’s why I now wear my seatbelt more than I used to. A small inconvenience I’m willing to endure to keep them from pulling me over and finding a dead hooker in my trunk. Allegedly, of course.

In short, I fucking hate anything to do with the judicial system especially if you wear a badge, name tag and your pants don’t fit quite right. Fuck you pig. Nevertheless, I fear them and do everything I can to keep them from fucking with me. Hell, if you were a hot actress who “plays” a cop on television and you’ve got a flat tire in a bad neighborhood you might as well ask the guy that’s going to rape you if he wouldn’t mind changing your tire after he’s dumped his forensic fingerprint in your ass because I’m going pretend I don’t have a jack in my trunk and drive right by. That’s how much I want nothing to do anything remotely associated with law enforcement. Fuck, I won’t even use Bounty paper towels.

Now, the woman that I was once so in love with that I wiped her ass after a healthy shit because she couldn’t do it herself courtesy of her new boobs, was helping put harmless drug offenders back behind bars. That bitch. (Yeah, I know there are other crimes, but how many murderers get bail anyway?) Since getting the press release about “Wife, Mom, Bounty Hunter” www.tvsquad.com/2007/01/12/we-to-debut-new-series-wife-mom-bounty-
hunter-tca-report

I had to know how serious she was about this bounty hunter shit. Besides bitching about the obvious lack of originality in programming – I think she should milk the network for everything she can while they’re still thinking anyone really cares about reality shows – I selfishly wanted to know if she’d pick me up if the situation ever presented itself. It could happen.

Here’s a bit of the conversation:

“Hey, Sandy it’s Jef got your email about the show. Good for you.”

“Who is this? How’d you get my number?”

“No seriously let’s say you got an order to come get me would you?

No pause…no let me think about it…not even a hmmmmm

“Yes of course I would. It’s a business you know. Nothing personal.”

I black out from rage at this point and I don’t remember what I said next but there were lots of “you cunt” and tears on my end.

After a lot more of “what about the time” and “you know I still have pictures from that” she finally said that she’d probably give it to someone else to execute since I’m mostly a petty criminal and the money wouldn’t be that much. No warning either way. Gee thanks. I guess I’m going to have to take the long way when I’m driving to New Mexico next time.

After she told me to never call her again and she was going to change her number I hung up knowing the truth…as fucked up as it was; my ex-wife is a ruthless bounty hunter with bullet proof breast implants and would arrest her own daughter if the money were right. That means this show is going to be a fucking monster hit with the bored housewives of America that actually have the WEtv channel, that is if they even have cable. Fuck.

All joking aside I’m kinda proud of the tenacious bitch. She’s never given up, let the past dictate her future or sold herself for less than she was worth. She’s stuck to her guns even when they were shooting blanks. So what if she has flat feet and a non-existent waist line. All that matters is she’s got the heart of a lioness, tits of a woman half her age, permission to kick your ass and she’s getting paid for it. That’s more than I can say for eighty percent of my female friends and most of them fuck for money. Basically, my ex-wife don’t give a fuck and that’s what made me fall for her in the first place. I guess I have good taste in women no matter what my Mother says.

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