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Michelle: Back in Denver

Michelle [pictured] writes: Hi everyone, my name is Michelle. I am a 27 year old bisexual girl living right here in Denver, Colorado. I have suffered from a rather aggressive sexual addiction since I was 13 years old. That addiction has taught me to lie, cheat and cover up anything I do. I destroyed my first marriage with my lying and cheating. Actually, my first husband killed himself due to my infidelities. You think I would have learned from that, but like a true addict, the more pain I feel the more I cover up the pain with acting out. Having sex is how I have learned to cope and feel better about my life. When I am alone, hurt, scared or generally unhappy, I seek the attention of men and women and that ultimately leads me into sexual situations with them. I have no ability to have or keep friends. Anyone I come into contact with on a daily basis, I will move to have sex with. One hundred percent of the time.

My cheating started within my second marriage when I was a Denver Sheriff officer. I had several affairs with fellow deputies that lead to vicious stalking and harassment. After I was assaulted by a fellow deputy for trying to break off my affair with him, internal affairs learned of everything I had done. I had sex on duty, in locker rooms, various areas of the jail and in sheriff’s cars. I was fired for improper sexual conduct. I was giving fellow deputies blow jobs during my lunch hour. I was cheating on my husband every day of every week for a months at a time. The level of daily lying was was absolutely horrible. My husband new nothing of who and what I was. Even after I was caught at work, I lied to him about why I was being investigated and fired. Of course, once it all landed in court, there was no more lying to be done.

My next job as a 911 dispatcher only lasted 5 months. While I worked there, I started cheating on my husband with both a male and female dispatcher. This time, I was having two affairs at once and hiding it from everyone. That is to say that I was having affairs on my affairs. Of course, after having sex in the bathroom at work and getting caught, I was fired once again. I tried so hard not to cheat but I could not help myself. I kept making promises that this would be the last affair. Only to start moving on the next affair before the current affair was over. I lived to have sex at work with anyone and everyone who would give me attention. I lied to my husband, my family and all the people I had affairs with. No one know anything about anything. The web of lies I was weaving took every ounce of my concentration and there was nothing left to do my job or be a real person at home.

I took a year or so off work to work on my addiction and myself. I went to work at RTD and low and behold, I went right back to work with more affairs. Now it was really out of control. In very short order, as a bus driver, I had several affairs. Again, some simultaneously. I had sex in my home, behind my husband’s back. I had sex in car wash maintenance rooms, in the back of mini vans, hotels near RTD and even at RTD itself. I had sex on the back of RTD busses, in my supervisor’s office, the driver’s sleep room and in my supervisor truck. I had sexual encounters with fellow drivers, my superiors and when I was made a supervisor, my subordinates. I would take my company car, while on duty, to employees homes and have sex with them. I was out of control. I was having 5 affairs at a time. I did not care what happened to my family, other people’s families or myself. I was raped on my own living room floor by a driver I DETEST and it was pretty much fault.

Of course, the job dried up as usual. I was investigated, suspended and I ultimately resigned for violating just about every reasonable rule RTD had. Many families got hurt and several divorces came from my selfish actions. I had disgraced myself and my family. All my so called “friends” who were so willing to have sex with me, just dissapeared. After vandalism of my house here in Denver started due to my outing of several drivers to thier wives, I was forced to move, along with my husband and two kids, to California. I lived in California for a full year only returning 6 weeks ago.

After I was fired, I tried desperately to control my addiction. The more I kept a lid on it, the more violent I became. The acting out is how I learned to deal with things and now that I was not having sex with everyone, I blew up all the time. I found myself in jail three times for domestic violence against my wife, BisexualBritni (yes, we are both girls). I was locked up in a mental hospital twice for a total of about 45 days. I have lost EVERYTHING I ever had or owned due to this addiction. I confined myself in Del Amo mental hospital for addiction counseling for a month. I started attending “sex addicts anonymous” several times a week. Sadly, there is very little help for female sexual addicts. I was turned away from hospital after hospital. They had great programs for men but most had never even heard of a female sex addict. I was so sexually addicted that the “Sexual Recovery Institute” in Los Angeles, headed up by Dr. Weiss, would not take me as a patient. Because I had shown such severe tendancies towards violence while my addiction was cycling, they referred me to an inpatiant hospital and that was that. You see, had pulled a knife on my husband and kids when my husband tried to stop me from seeing my supervisor at RTD. I need my sexual fix so much that, at the time, I did not care what I had to give away, I could not part with the sex and attention. I actually missed my son’s first X mas family photos to be have sex with my boss in the La Quinta Hotel near RTD. I have abjagated my responsibilites of being a wife and mother to keep my sexual addiction fed.

I tried to control my addiction, I found myself getting tattoos that made me feel better for a while. My body is covered in tattoos that say things like, “Cum slutt”, fuck my whore ass”, fuck my whore pussy”, “cum in me”, “I fuck”, “fuck slutt”, “I swallow cum” and “I eat pussy”. I have tattooed my pussy, my tits, my ass and anything else that would make my drive for sex feel better, even if just for a few hours. My pussy demands attention several times a day. It makes me do really stupid things that I regret horribly. At times, I am just sitting in wetness and cannot work or think of anything except having sex. I go to work with lingerie under my clothes, butt plugs in my asshole and dildos to fuck myself with several times a day. I am basically unemployable. I try and hide my addiction but it comes out without me knowing it. I send sexual signals that end with people hitting on me. Once they hit on me, I obsess on them until I am powerless to avoid having sex with them. When the sex comes down, it happens fast and wherever I may be. No account is taken on where I am, who the person is or what damage I may cause. I simply need to have sex and nothing else matters.

I am, according to every professional I have seen, am the most sexually addicted female they have ever met. The Dr. Keith Ablow show did a show on me that airs in November. Even they tried to get me help and failed due to the fact there simply are not places that treat sexually addicted women. I have begged for help and simply cannot get it. I have offered to give my husband, wife (yes, I live in a 3 way) and my kids away to continue to have an affair, online, with people I had never even met. This happened ten full months into recovery. My addiction to sex has ended my life and my ability to be a reasonable in our society. Now I am back in Denver, my family holding on by a thread. I have already lost Britni and my husband is holding on but I am not sure why. We barely talk. My relationship with my kids is strained and my ability to be a mom is nonexistant. My husband has been forced to pick up my slack just as with any addiction. Addictions, as I hear over and over, are addictions for the entire family. My entire family has suffered due ot me driven addiction to sex with any man or women who pays attention to me. I am outing this story so other men and women can learn from my mistakes. This addiction is not especially rare. More people suffer from it then we realize. There is help for it and there are groups to helps with this addiction. SAA (sex addicts anonymous), SLAA, (sex and love addicts anonymous) and many more. Until you admit you have a problem, you have very little chance of changing your behavior.

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