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No Salad Tossing, No Squirting- update

Porn Valley- There’s no crying in baseball, and there’s no pissing in porno unless it’s a sanctioned piss. And that was pretty much the law laid down by Bridgette Kerkove, on her shoot Saturday afternoon – an anal movie titled Skin #2, for Metro.

Missy Monroe was doing the last scene of the day with Mark Wood who appeared to be struggling a bit. Wood had just worked a couple of hours earlier with Brooke Haven and Isabel Ice. Which, under ordinary circumstances, is a daunting assignment where most men might be concerned.

Except the way Monroe was dispensing the Marilyn Monroe sexual charisma, Arthur Miller would have been busting a nut then and there, no questions asked. And he’s dead, now. In fact, it was Missy Monroe who asked Wood just before the cameras got rolling if he was ready to sodomize her “little asshole” indicating she was better than good to go.

Except it was Missy, a woman who’s figured out how to squirt in recent months, who let the first one fly, not Wood. The fact that Monroe’s unannounced gush landed on Patti Rhodes’ couch might have been the cause for the moment that prompted Kerkove to stop the scene. Monroe looks at Kerkove and says something to the effect that she can’t stop these things from happening. To which Kerkove is telling Monroe, sell that to someone who hasn’t done as many scenes as Kerkove.

“You didn’t do that the last time you worked for me,” Kerkove tells Monroe. The crew guys are sensing headlines on Adultfyi. Jim Powers looks at me. I look at Jim Powers. Powers looks at his guy, R Dog. Wood is looking at his dick, and Monroe’s looking at Kerkove telling her, “I can’t have sex without cumming.”

On Otto Bauer’s set earlier this week there was pissing like no tomorrow, but Bridgette is telling Missy this is tomorrow and she doesn’t want it to be a squirting scene. From the looks of things, Monroe’s now looking to turn this thing into the sequel to The Crying Game. Powers seems to recall Bridgette issuing some other edict one time against salad tossing. I didn’t get the whole story on that one but it sounds like Ben Bratt was involved.

Missy next does the high heel stomp off, her cute ass wiggling against her one-piece lavendar bathing suit, Kerkove yelling at her that she’s got a minute to pull it together. “Calm the fuck down,” Bridgette’s telling Monroe. Monroe returns, her tears aiding and abetting an unrecorded Best Acting performance. This is priceless shit. The exchange continues, something, again, about Missy peeing on the couch, Missy continuing to talk past Kerkove which is the way Bridgette is wording it.

“I’ll try my hardest not to cum,” Missy tells Bridgette, and damn if that didn’t have a sarcastic ring to it. Missy then does another high heel stomp off for Foley effect. Bridgette tells her she’s got 30 seconds this time. Sniffling, Missy proceeds to levitate the floorboards with her yelps and screams. The fact that it’s actually part of the scene makes it that much better. Mark Wood, who looks like he’s been in a barroom brawl with John Wayne, taps into his spare tank of man juice and puts the movie to bed.

“She’s an anal warrior,” Power says, quite approvingly, of Missy. And I have to agree on one point. She does have a cute little asshole.

Audrey Hollander’s asshole, which got a pretty good workout earlier in the week, was in an observer’s capacity on this shoot. It’s a concept video, whose point of interest features copious quantities of baby oil and lathered, scented strumpets in bathing suits having them ripped off their ripe, volatile asses by their boyfriends.

I’m telling Kerkove, potential Olympic gold medals aside, the swimming suit idea is certainly a touch. And she’s explaining how she goes shopping specifically for each shoot, that styling, jewelry and makeup [besides the sex] polishes these movies way beyond the porn norm. I’m telling Bridgette an added touch would have been for the guys wearing Speedos.

Then again I’m trying to maintain an attentive posture during the styling lecture with the incredibly stacked Brooke Haven lurking within eye range. Without clothes, Haven reminds you of an old time calendar girl with an extra month thrown in for good measure. With the stretch material of her suit wrapping obscenely about her coastline, Haven’s a guaranteed four-alarm fire at the swim club. Small wonder that the spring in Mark Wood’s diving board was taxed in the style and manner that it was in the threeway featuring Haven and Isabel Ice.

Ice, who takes two dicks in the ass the way the Salvation Army takes used furniture, is talking about how she tends to freeze up during still shoots. Ice, as I recall, took a DeWalt power drill up her ass on Skeeter Kerkove’s shoot the week prior and that asshole didn’t freeze up once.

Meanwhile, Audrey Hollander’s laughing about how she’s pimping out her man, Otto. Otto’s working the first scene with the gorgeous Dillon Lauren and the Otto clone, British performer Mick. Otto’s landed a deal with a company called Mach II and will be shooting Supercore-style movies for them beginning in March, Supercore, being the title of the flick Otto shot in Switzerland last year which should be out in a couple of weeks. Otto wraps up his other movie, Tuesday, for Wildfire and is describing a ribald scene he’ll be shooting with Hillary Scott featuring latex gloves and stacks of perversity far beyond the physical stature of the tiny Scott.

Dillon Lauren and I have a quickie chat before her ride comes to get her, Lauren telling me about living in South Philadelphia then leaving there for Las Vegas by way of a yacht, the Panama Canal and Costa Rica. Myself, I would have recommended the Walt Whitman Bridge and the Pennsylvania Turnpike, but that’s me.

As crossing state lines goes, I’d pay to watch Jordan Styles runway strut from here to Vegas. The opening credits of Miami Vice flashing in my mind, the two babes waddling their bikini-bottoms. Without the pink flamingos, this is Styles who’s going to get butt fucked by Euro guy Jay Lassiter. Yeah, that’ll take the strut out of your walk – for a minute.

“Pull out those maneuvers that made you a household name in Austria,” Powers tells Lassiter.

In a behind-the-scenes moment, Styles is talking to the camera, dispensing mea culpas about how she hated as a stripper to hustle guys. But Styles really didn’t have to hustle. All she had to do was strut. They’d pay to watch her do a Miami Vice strut. No hustle involved. Then Styles is saying she prefers girls in her private life. So much for tipping her to strut.

Tyla Wynn also has a scene scheduled with Mika Tan’s guy, Alec Knight, who affects the look of a beatnik poet but is far from shooting blank verse when he nestles deep in Tyla’s Texas-bred shitbox. Fully extended arms propping his frame, Alec tries this cheat, push-up position that you rarely see on camera. Lands in Tyla’s ass time and again.

“She’s hot,” Jim Power’s whistles. “Tyla Wynn is hot.” Wynn was on KSEX a couple of weeks ago with her mother and we talk a little about that.

Missy Monroe arrives, her pants practically falling off her ass. I’m rooting for the pants in the race to the floor. Missy’s dragging something that resembles a Vaudeville props trunk, that’s how much shit she lugs around with her from set to set, she explains. Talks about how she lives on the third floor, lugging the shit down to the first floor all the time. Before they have their gunfight at OK Corral, Monroe and Kerkove are hitting it off, Kerkove talking about how when she was an active performer, she’d acquire a set of accoutrements which she’d lug around in the same manner. Monroe’s saying she’s surprised that she doesn’t have more accidents during her anal scenes, talking about her bravado eating habits and her ADD. Missy laughing. Yeah, she’ll tackle a burrito. The ADD is another story, Missy laughing about how, on a shoot, she had her ass wrapped in a ball, her gush landing in her face.

Jack Spade has been her booty call, she says, noting that Spade is married and has a girlfriend on top of that. Missy’s not the girlfriend.

“I’m just a fuck,” she shrugs, minimizing her equation with Spade, wondering if Aria’s ever going to get around to beating her ass. Someone reminds Missy that Aria has kind of relinquished Spade, that she’s with Lee Stone, now. Missy keeps calling Stone, Hulk Hogan but notes that Spade’s still wearing a wedding ring so what gives with that, but saying at the same time she wouldn’t get involved with Spade anyway.

“I told him he has too much baggage,” she says. Just like the trunk Missy lugs around. “But he gets my alcohol.” Missy, too young to buy booze, rationalizing the whole deal with Spade. Missy’s telling me she wants to do an interview, has a couple of things she wants to talk about. She tells me Trent Tesoro got a bum rap, that the story going around about him showing up in Vegas to take her out with no money wasn’t the case. Missy’s telling me that Tesoro had a bunch of checks he couldn’t get cashed without a second I.D, that he wound up having his mother send him some money but that he paid her back when the checks cashed.

Another casual observation is that Monroe appears to be sober. Jim Powers is saying he’s shot her maybe 20 times and this is the first time Missy’s sober.

“I guess I should take that as a compliment,” Monroe says



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