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Scientology would Have Saved Chloe Jones?

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New York, NY – Last week, actor Tom Cruise made a surprise appearance at funeral proceedings held for adult film star and former Penthouse Pet, Chloe Jones, in Waco, Texas. Jones died of liver failure Saturday, June 8th in Houston.

Best known as the home of the Branch Davidians, Waco was chosen so that Jones’s relatives, the majority of whom do not possess reliable transportation, could more easily participate in the services. Many Jones family members saw Cruise’s last minute attendance as a thinly disguised ploy, aimed at promoting Scientology and his latest film, War of the Worlds.

One angry member of the Jones clan pinned a remotely operated squirting flower inside the casket, onto the pink, rhinestone studded tank top Chloe was laid to rest in. During the viewing, when Cruise leaned in to pay his respects, he was dowsed with a stream of water from the fake rose.

A shocked Cruise fell backwards, knocking over a beer keg placed dangerously close to the casket, at which point many in attendance began to “boo” and heckle the actor.

Covered in beer, Tom responded, “You’re all jerks! You’re jerks! You should be ashamed of yourselves,” as he wiped his face with his hand.

“I came down to this godforsaken hellhole in Texas to try and console Chloe’s sisters and this is how you treat me?! You’re rude! Every last one of you rednecks, you’re all jerks!”

At that point some family members started shouting, “Kick his ass Sea Bass!” referring to Darryl “Sea Bass” Jenkins, Chloe’s estranged half stepbrother, hailing from Mobile, Alabama. Jenkins later claimed responsibility for the squirting flower.

Cruise and his entourage quickly made their way out of the Stagecoach 66 Motel Ball Room, shielding themselves from angry mourners throwing beer cans and churros.

In a heated debate with Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today Show, Cruise was asked about the incident and his vocal criticism of Jones’s drug use.

LAUER: Tom, how do you explain the debacle in Waco?

CRUISE: It’s clear Matt, the government set David Koresh’s house on fire and killed everyone inside, it was despicable.

LAUER: Come on, you know what I’m referring to, the controversy surrounding your attendance of Chloe Jones’s funeral.

CRUISE: The whole thing was an unforunate event. I honestly think they are good people. It was just an emotional time for the family, they were still in shock and grieving over the loss of their Bud Light.

LAUER: And you can’t understand why Darryl Jenkins and the rest of the family were upset?

CRUISE: Listen, I offered to repay the family for the cost of the keg, nearly $85.

LAUER: But Tom, they feel you cheapened the entire ceremony. None of her relatives were aware of any interaction between you and Chloe while she was alive. Can you understand why it looked like a publicity stunt to her family and the media?

CRUISE: I seriously doubt it was possible to cheapen that ceremony, but regardless, I didn’t see it as a PR stunt, I mean, I didn’t even take Katie [Holmes] or Oprah with me. Right now people are focusing on Chloe and it’s an opportunity for me to get out the message that drugs are not the answer. She left behind 3 beautiful children, very sad Matt. Scientology would have saved her life.

LAUER: Tom, you continue to be outspoken in your criticism of Brook Shields and Chloe Jones’s prescription drug use, yet it seems to have helped them both, how do you respond to that?

CRUISE: I don’t think you know all the details Matt, drugs were clearly not effective in Chloe’s case. i voiced my criticism of her prescription drug use when I learned she frequently vomited while performing fellatio on camera. Scientology could have made a difference in her life, she would have been deep throating after only a few weeks into her journey, that I can say for sure.

LAUER: Ok Tom, then what is your response to someone like Cytherea, or other adult actresses who’ve been able to use methamphetamines as effective weight loss tools, it’s clearly working for them.

CRUISE: Matt, Matt, you’re not getting it, Cytherea and the others are simply masking the problem. They will blow up to the size of houses once they can no longer afford the drugs. Do you know who Katsumi is, are you familiar with Katsumi Matt?

LAUER: Honestly, I’m not.

CRUISE: Well maybe you should do more research before confronting me on these issues. Katsumi is a female adult performer and a fellow Scientology advocate, it helped change her life. She is 100% drug free and could easily stuff your entire forearm down her throat Matt, think about that for a second.

LAUER: I’ll admit, you have a point Tom. In the interest of fairness i’d like to interview Ms. Katsumi and get her take on Chloe Jones. My entire forearm Tom, really?

CRUISE: Trust me Matt. At my request, Katie and her have become good friends.

LAUER: Are there any other Scientologists working in the adult industry who I should question? I want to know how the religion has impacted their careers.

CRUISE: Have you seen any of Ariana Jollee’s movies?

LAUER: Actually yes, I am familiar with some of her work.

CRUISE: Then I have four words for you Matt, “65 Guy Cream Pie.” This amazingly talented young woman let 65 men ejaculate into her, both vaginally and anally. She is also drug free. Prior to Scientology she only did girl/girl. Think about it Matt. Think about it.

At that point the Today Show went to commercial.

It remains to be seen if the increased awareness of Scientology, thanks to Cruise, and a few followers in the adult industry, will spur other porn performers to join the religion. Current members of the sect admit that it will likely take the conversion of a high profile star like Jenna Jameson, or Ron Jeremy, to persuade others to join.

While “anal sex with multiple simultaneous partners” is not specifically prohibited in L Ron Hubbard’s, Dianetics, Scientology’s strict anti-drug policy is expected to keep many adult performers from considering the religion as a viable alternative to their current denomination of choice, Catholicism.

“A large shift towards Scientology would devastate my business,” stated Margaret Burns, owner of Erotic Outfitters, a major supplier of Catholic school girl uniforms to the adult industry.

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