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The Tale of the Tape

Porn Valley- It’s no small coincidence that the epic movie Troy premiers the day of The Great Debate at KSEX,

Because three Greek Gods or goddamned Greeks, as your preference would indicate, lock in mortal combat tonight on The Wanker Show for the Golden Fleece that is the bragging rights to the title of Industry Spokesperson.

Forget Lincoln-Douglas. Forget Paul Cambria-Luke Ford. Forget Martha Stewart and the United States Government, tonight’s debate, in the words of the Sports Swami, will pull no punches and take no dives.

With more angst than the entire Soprano family, Rob Spallone will probably come in with attitude like an Attica prison riot. And there’s no telling whether Quasarman will arrive with Tina Tyler, the two dressed in matching Hans Brinker outfits with identical Canadian accents and flowbie hairstyles.

And who knows if senior statesman Bill Margold will have a momentary brain fart and forget what he said to the Meese Commission back in the day on the subject of tea bagging.

With so many variables in play, who will the smart Vegas money be on? That’s the question. In the tale of the tape, Margold has height advantage, which, with a $110 bucks, buys you an AIM test. Meanwhile, Spallone weighs in with forearms bigger than Lara Roxx suggesting that he’s more than capable of physically going the distance and popping the air out of Quasarman’s humor bubbles. Which is to say that Quasarman, of the three participants, comes in at distinct disadvantage.

Because Spallone isn’t from Arkansas, all the inbred and nude family wrestling jokes that Quasarman has been accumulating for months thanks to his Distorted Reality Show with Gauge will have the affect of an empty vodka bottle at a booze rally.

And, realistically, how many gnome or lawn jockey comments can Quasarman make relevant at the towering Margold’s expense? Not many is the guess.

When Quasarman’s up to his chin in quicksand with Margold handing him a lead rattle from the Playpen of the Damned, will Quaze reach into his bag of verbal schtick and somehow work his pet phrase “ejaculatory payload” into a throwaway quip that will sound believable? Prediction: Quasarman’s knees wobble at the first sign of a death threat from Spallone. Which is when Quasarman might consider deploying a Tom Byron lookalike.

Then, will Spallone’s deft wielding of the word “cunt” neutralize Margold’s attempts to inject Viper trivia at every available opportunity? Margold might retaliate by calling Spallone “kid,” but similar tactics had little or no affect on Larry Flynt.

Though he hasn’t been on the cover of People Magazine recently, if the going gets rough for Spallone, he might consider Church of the Holy Puppet Jimmy D’s past debate tactics of whipping out gratuitous comments about the DaVinci Code and how antihistamines are good for relieving one.

Which would be the best advice to Quasarman: swing to the irrelevancies, toss in some old Jeff Foxworthy material, hope for the best then say you were kidding, of course.


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