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The Wanker Show

Porn Valley- “I’m Gretchen Massey, and I’ve posed naked for Genesis Magazine.”

“No way!”

If you’ve logged on to KSEX Radio with any kind frequency in recent weeks, you’ve no doubt heard these lines from a commercial touting, obviously, Genesis Magazine. And you’ve probably recognized the two voices in it as belonging to Wankus, the chief cook and bottle washer over at KSEX. Wankus is also the guy who writes, produces and generally stars in those commercials. Some of which are damned clever, all things considered. And one of those considerations must be a pretty modest budget.

Last Saturday night Wankus was the chief cook. He and Tyler Faith had a few friends over for a barbecue and when he wasn’t flipping burgers, broiling hot dogs or searing pork steaks, Wankus was going over drawings of the new KSEX interior.

The current studio located in Burbank is being renovated, he tells me. When KSEX announced new ownership back in April, along with it were some plans on the board about moving to the Valley. But Plan B documented on said piece of paper looks pretty permanent for the time being. Of course I haven’t been to the “new KSEX” as yet. But I do remember the old one as being loose, very casual and a cemetery for old rum bottles.

Of the two toughest jobs in the adult industry, one is running a talent agency. The other might be running KSEX, which, when you stop to think of it, is a lot like running an agency. Only in this case, you have to urge people to show up to work for minimum compensation, all for the perceived benefit of the almighty promo.

That’s basically the KSEX sales pitch, and with it Wankus has been able to stock the pond with an odd and talented assortment of peejays [porn jocks] over the years since he took over the running of KSEX. And that’s including himself as among them.

If not for a fateful decision, Wankus would probably be running a string of dry cleaning establishments. If not for his mouth, he’d probably still be a mainstream radio jock. Such as it is, Wankus is doing time on porn island, and his three nights a week on air is one of his contributions to that world. Lately he’s been helping run the Team Tyler operation, which, from time to time, calls upon him to direct and edit movies produced by the company. Otherwise, Wankus is the classic porn jock who can talk the talk and walk the walk.

Having grown up in areas of New York/New Jersey, Wankus is an east coast guy through and through, and sometimes that doesn’t sit well with the smile to your face, stab-you-in-the-back west coast mentality. But fuck it. On the nights [Monday-Wednesday-Friday] when he’s on between 7 and 9pm Wankus, with wise guys asides, comes roaring at you like a speeding getaway car through the Lincoln Tunnel. Sometimes he talks at a clip where even comic Bobby Slayton would seem tongue tied in comparison. And Slayton, who was just on KSEX last week, can certainly yap.

As an interviewer, Wankus is a sawed-off shotgun of quick wit, personal anecdote and varying degrees of sarcasm. If someone he’s interviewing walks off in the middle of all that, so be it. And a couple of girls have. Some nights even Wankus bites off more than he can chew. A recent show brought on Rob Spallone and a circus of oddballs. Circus of oddballs is certainly redundant with the mention of Spallone’s name but even Wankus lost control of his own thoughts at one point and publicly apologized to me for any attempt I might make in re-capping that show. Strangely it wasn’t that difficult.

Out of control are the nights when Wankus entertains four or five porn girls at a sitting [such as the Rouge night promos] and no one’s volunteering to shut up, and Wankus isn’t volunteering to address whatever girl by name at that point.

When things are running smooth, Wankus’ show is down to a science. The first 30 minutes are reserved for unabashed self-promotion, porn topics, suitcase pimps, what’s hot in fan forums or recaps of what Tyler Faith has been up to. If Faith has recently been on the road, this could go on a lot longer, with show and tell video clips Wankus has taken pains to assemble for viewer merriment. But Wankus keeps it generally regulated to the point where he can bring his first guest on around 7:30. If there are more waiting in the wings, he takes a break at the top of the hour then brings ’em on after that one by one.

“Were you the chick in the Izod sweater in high school or were you the freak fucking the entire football team?” is one standard ice breaker Wankus employs to get the ball rolling. But it depends on the girl. Some are chatty Cathies with more life’s bullshit to dispense than a farmer at plow time. Others put you in for a very long night with yes-no answers. Time was you could expect some Wankus stories about horny waitresses in Texas motel rooms to fill the void. That’s because Wankus used to hang his varied love life on the KSEX clothesline, but now that Tyler Faith’s in his vibe, the stories are more about sweaty Vegas nights that begin with a bottle of booze and end with attempts by Wankus to bang Faith in the ass in some hotel room.

Through it all, Wankus has alternating co-hosts in this enterprise. Rebecca Love generally holds down Monday nights. And the level of Love’s participation in the show is directly correlated to her bloodstream and what’s in it. Her best performance so far off camera was at Wankus’ house one Thanksgiving when thanks to alcohol Love’s sentences got separated for the bulk of the afternoon from her tongue. And one night on air Wankus really had her going, and Love revealed facts about herself and Jack Nicholson that would have brought the National Inquirer if not the National Guard in at any second. Otherwise Love keeps to the middle of the road and Wankus is content to pepper her with comments about being an escort.

A general observation in the Wankus dynamic is the fact that Wankus’ co-hosts need to have or develop pretty strong skin in order to survive. For that reason, it’s easy to see why the feisty Faith works so well with him. Her scheduled night for trading barbs is Friday, and Faith these days has been wrapping up the show with a striptease to a Dr. Seuss story. Otherwise in those two hours wait for pandemonium to break loose with Faith waxing in a Bostonian accent about dumpster babies, Christian Giambi [Jason’s wife] klansmen, athletes she might have fucked or ex boyfriends she’s certainly pegged.

Up until recently, Michelle Lay was Wankus’ Wednesday night co-host and during her time on the show Kotex must have seen a remarkable spike in its Wall Street activity. Though it might be an exaggeration, there didn’t seem to be an evening that Wankus didn’t bag on Lay for wearing a tampon. And, adding to the humor was the fact that Lay generally accommodated by sporting a mouse tail. If not as a weekly occurrence.

To replace Lay, Wankus has brought on Lay’s polar opposite, Sunny Lane, a woman whose smiling pleasantries and disposition appears to come straight out of a kid’s story book. Ask Sunny a question, and “fabulous” is one of the words generally found in the answer. But that could all change. Because Wankus has that knack. He’s Viggo Mortensen in GI Jane, and Lane’s veneer might crack at any time. And some night, hollering uncle, Sunny could whip out an M-60 over some innocuous remark and take down the whole KSEX staff.

It’s been known to happen.

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