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When rocker Vince Neil comes to play golf for charity, Simi Valley becomes an altered reality

Porn Valley- Friday morning at Lost Canyons Golf Club in Simi Valley. There’s a charity tournament starting in a couple of hours, and the wood-paneled clubhouse is full of the usual pre-tournament bustle and chatter.

The first clue that all is not normal here is the Jägermeister bus parked outside. There also are an unusual number of tattooed arms peeking out from under golf shirts. And there are these women walking around, wearing tank tops and miniskirts that do violence to the idea of proper golf course attire.

About 9 a.m., the man everyone has been waiting for walks through the door: It’s Vince Neil, frontman for Mötley Crüe, the archetypal band of the 1980s heavy metal movement.

Yes, Vince Neil golfs. This is his tournament.

He arrives hours before tee-off. He has no entourage, and his entrance is so low-key that hardly anyone looks up.

I notice, though, and after a minute or two of nerve-gathering, I walk over.

Neil, 47, is shorter than you might expect, but then, he’s not wearing the platform boots from the “Wild Side” video. He keeps his shades on, so it’s hard to gauge the effects of that well-publicized plastic surgery he had a few years back.

Do you address a rock star as “Mr. Neil”? “Vince” seems awfully familiar.

I go with, “Hi.”

He greets me with a “Hey, man” and a handshake and proceeds to talk to me for, according to my digital recorder, one minute and 58 seconds.

When they invent a time machine, I will go back to 1988 and tell my 10-year-old self about this. I won’t have the heart to tell him what the future holds for Guns N’ Roses.

Back to 2008; a friendly and engaged Neil tells me about his passion for golf — “The very first time I played golf was on the Theatre of Pain tour” in the mid-1980s — and the album the reunited Crüe is about to release — “It sounds like Mötley Crüe. We could play the blues and it would sound like Mötley Crüe.”

I don’t bring up the reason we’re all here, because everyone at the tournament knows that story. In 1995, Neil’s 4-year-old daughter, Skylar, died of a rare form of cancer. The next year, he started the Skylar Neil Memorial Golf Tournament, and since then it’s raised close to $2 million for research on juvenile cancer, AIDS and other diseases.

This year’s take will probably be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, between the tournament itself and the silent auction of sports, music, movie and celebrity memorabilia.

“How did it end up at Lost Canyons?” I ask.

“They’re cool about what we do on the course — the girls, the booze ” Neil says.

The United Way, for porn.

That’s right, the girls. Did I forget to mention the porn stars? Somewhere along the line, the tourney became one of the biggest events on the adult entertainment industry’s calendar.

Maybe it’s because Playboy was one of the first sponsors and, like a teenage boy’s magazine collection, it was a straight line from that to Hustler. Or maybe it’s because Neil started by inviting his friends, and a lot of them happen to make their living doing anatomically improbable things in front of a camera.

“People in the NFL all work with the United Way, and we have this,” said Evan Seinfeld, an adult actor and the former lead singer of the band Biohazard. He’s married to porn star Tera Patrick, and the couple have their own talent agency.

Patrick was a bit out of character Friday, wearing a tasteful print dress and huge sunglasses and demurely watching her husband play the course.

The girls who haven’t achieved Patrick’s level of fame were working harder to promote themselves. Some handed out free videos. Others struck suggestive poses to distract the golfers. A few spoke earnestly about the importance of giving back and helping the children. None passed up an opportunity to turn a golf term into a sophomoric double-entendre.

At least they bothered with wordplay; the scene as the golfers convened just before tee-off was rife with single-entendres. One foursome festooned its golf carts with blow-up dolls and sex toys, then took turns chugging beers through a funnel.

A few minutes later, Patrick took the mic to preside over a charity auction. Porn star Gina Lynn offered to join the highest bidder’s team, as both caddy and celebrity guest golfer. The winning bid was $3,500, by a guy whose golf buddy could be heard muttering, “I’d love to hear him explain that one to his wife.”

On the course

For a bunch of guys drinking and playing golf with porn stars, the golfers were more than a little concerned with appearance and propriety. The course was crawling with photographers from industry publications like Adult Video News, but people got nervous when they heard, “We’re from the Ventura County Star, the local newspaper here.”

“What are you writing about?” they would ask. “What’s your angle?”

“The story’s not about the sex stuff; that just gives it a little extra panache,” said Stuart Koenig, a software company executive in Florida and the brother of Vince Neil’s manager. Koenig has been playing the Skylar Neil Memorial for 10 years, and this year he brought a group of friends from Cincinnati.

“Every single player that plays this tournament wants to come back,” he said. “It’s just a really good time. This is the most fun you’ll ever have on a golf course.”

One of Koenig’s friends, Scott Baker, remembers saving his money as a teenager so he could see Mötley Crüe when they came through Cincinnati. Friday, there he was, rubbing elbows with Vince Neil.

“Vince is great,” Baker said. “He really cares about this foundation, of course, and he’s so cool to everybody. I just happened to be walking by him, and I’ve only met the guy a couple times before, and he stops me and says, Hey, how’s it going?'”

On the ninth hole, Baker tried to explain Mötley Crüe to some Hooters girls who probably weren’t born when “Girls, Girls, Girls” came out.

“Kickstart My Heart’ — you have to know that one,” he said. “It’s one of the greatest rock songs of all time.”

It was a bit rowdier than your average golf tournament, but the porn stars generally stayed within the PG-13 range of behavior. There was only one incident that can’t be described in a family newspaper.

If the porn stars didn’t offend, the same cannot be said of Kevin Federline. At the 10th hole, the former Mr. Britney Spears and his pals parked their golf carts side by side, completely blocking the path and triggering a minor traffic jam. At another hole, a pair of models poured shots of tequila and handed out apples and bottles of water, for the health-conscious golfers. Some people passed on the apples; others took them and ate them. Only Federline and his friends took them and threw them at each other.

This tale came from one of the models, who prefaced it by whispering, “If you don’t use our names, we’ll tell you who the biggest (jerk) was.” Then they said in unison: “K-Fed.”

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