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Rob Spallone Makes It Crystal Clear

Porn Valley- Women seem to gravitate to Rob Spallone like some junior high guidance counselor and problem solver. Spallone’s shooting a bunch of blowjobs, girl-girl scenes and an MILF orgy on Tuesday that includes Jewel De’Nyle’s mother. Crystal Clear’s also on the set. And this alone gives Spallone ample opportunity to get behind the big oaken desk and dispense some worldly wisdom with a Sopranos accent.

Younger than spring time, obviously Crystal’s no Milf. She’s just done a scene with another girl who spells her name Krytal, but Crystal Clear is saying how another Crystal Clear is coming after her, saying that she wants her name back.

“She’s a big, black girl- she wants to sue me,” explains this Crystal Clear who just discovered she’s pregnant. This is her second time in two months, since Crystal’s mother gave her money the first time to have things taken care of. Photog Bill Diehl is telling Crystal that her tits look bigger. Clear says that’s because she’s pregnant and describes how she went to the hospital for apparent dehydration. After she was told to pee in a cup, she was informed she was of her condition. Clear says what makes it funny is the fact that her boyfriend was with her and this got dropped on him like a bombshell.

“You should quit porn he told me,” says Clear. “I told him I don’t think so.” Clear says no problem, anyway. She’ll have this taken care of, too.

Henri Pachard’s handling camera, and Crystal Clear tells him that he shot her first scene in the business. Clear, you might remember, is the girl who came on KSEX a few months back along with the entire Rob Spallone menagerie, promoting the fact that she did this old guy gangbang for Spallone. Some guys probably older than Pachard. Wankus nicknamed her Pipe One. For reasons that seemed obvious at the time.

“You look like you’ve been snorting less crack than normal- you look good,” Clear is told. This is not coming out of Pachard’s mouth. But Clear is insisting she’s not doing drugs now, discussing how slow last month was business-wise. But Spallone’s PA, Angelica, also reminds Clear that she didn’t show up the last time she booked her for Spallone. Clear shrugs her shoulders, talking about how she’s got a brand new County Jail ID.

“Too many women, not enough sets,” Pachard is saying on another subject. Pachard asks Patti Rhodes how many bathroom’s she got. Three he’s told.

“That’s three more sets,” Pachard laughs. Pachard mentions to Spallone’s that he’s got chapped lips.

“You know what’s good for that?” Spallone tells him. “Black sperm.”

Spallone asks where Rhodes is and is told she’s fixing chainsaws. But Spallone’s dealing with another issue. He wants to shoot an Oriental MILF movie titled Yo Momma’s Sushi. Spallone thinks it’s a pretty good title but is painted in the corner having to find all these Oriental MILF’s.

Spallone then asks Crystal Clear why her cell phone is always shut off, and she gives him a confusing explanation, something about her phone having over 1,000 minutes and that she was over her limit.

“But you paid your bill, right?” Spallone is interrogating her. Clear said she did.

“So how can they be shutting it off every day?” he continues to ask. “I’m not getting a straight answer. You get a bill in the mail and once you get to a 1,000 minutes it shuts off?”

Clear says something about paying $100 for every 200 minutes. Spallone winces and tells her she’s got the wrong plan if that’s the case.

During the course of conversation, Clear tells Spallone she’s pregnant. Spallone warns her that the kid will come out with a crack pipe in its mouth.

“Don’t have it-I’m serious,” he says. “You got to stop having loads inside of you.”

Clear tells him, no, that’s not going to happen. After she explains how her mother gave her a hundred bucks to get rid of the last one, Spallone tells her if she has nine kids in one month she’ll be famous, Clear then tells Spallone about her problems with the other Crystal Clear. The one who’s trying to sue her.

“What’s she gonna sue you for?” Rob wonders. “You don’t even have a fuckin’ phone.”

Spallone then advises her that if she gets the Crystal Clear name tattooed on her ass, then she owns it.

“I love your hat,” Clear says to Spallone, changing the subject.

“You want the hat tattooed on your ass?” Spallone asks. “You should definitely get a tattoo right now. C’mon. get somethin’.”

“I want some skulls on my feet,” Clear responds.

“Would you put my name on your foot?” Spallone wants to know. He then asks Clear if she’s going trick or treating. She says she is- that she’s going to be a French maid or something like that.

“Knock on my door- I’ll give you an apple with a razor blade in it,” Spallone tells her.

He mentions the fact that he’s still trying to confirm an appearance on Springer to promote the gangbang.

“How much crack are you gonna smoke before we go on Springer?” Spallone asks Crystal, swearing she’s still on drugs, Clear says no, that she’s been off it two weeks and two days because the last batch she had was fucked up. Clear then relates a story about how someone who sold her a sack tried to kill her.

Not convinced of her newly proclaimed innocence, Spallone pulls a shakedown inspection of her pocketbook, itemizing the contents. He finds a lot of candy and says that’s an indication someone’s doing drugs. Spallone goes on to tell how when he and Clear went to New York for a two day trip, she brought enough luggage for a month and how one of her suitcases was filled with candy. Spallone continues to hunt through her pocketbook.

“I’m looking for the crack pipe,” he informs her. “There’s got to be a secret compartment.”

Clear keeps telling him he won’t find one. But Spallone comes across three maybe four toothbrushes wondering what the fuck she’s carrying them for.

“Do you brush your teeth in this bag? What do you think this is, a sink?” Spallone wonders.

Clear demonstrates how she uses one of the tooth brushes to brush her hair. Spallone’s convinced she’s smoking and comes across a grim-looking tube of toothpaste without the cap.

“You could die if you brush your teeth with this!” he warns her. “I want you to bring the tooth brushes when we go to Springer.”

Spallone then comes across a receipt from the state of California and reads it.

“They’re paying you $700 a month for being mental?” he muses. Clear says, yeah, basically. He also finds a couple of packs of Newports.

“Another pack of cigarettes you stole from me?” he laughs. Spallone then comes across an eyebrow pencil sharpener.

“I can tell by your eyeballs, this has something to do with drugs.” Spallone’s convinced but is told it’s for makeup.

“You got to stay off the shit, man,” Spallone advises her. “You got to get roommates that don’t get high.” Spallone then orders Clear to go pee in a Styrofoam cup and he’ll have it tested.

“I am off the drugs,” Clear keeps insisting.

“Do I make a better counselor or a porn producer?” Spallone then asks her.

“You make me laugh,” says Clear.

“I amuse you?” asks Spallone, noting that Clear’s cell phone has 31 messages. He wants to hear some of them. A girl’s voice is heard.

“Oh she’s on drugs,” states Spallone categorically. Clear explains that it’s David Luger’s girlfriend, that she just got out of jail. Spallone doesn’t know who Luger is and Clear tells him something about how the girlfriend put glass in Luger’s shoes and stole his car.

Spallone acts like he’s heard enough for one day then turns his attention to Michelle Avanti who worked earlier. Avanti’s telling Spallone a story about how her ex fiance put her head through a car window.

“I need youse to leave now,” Spallone tells both Clear and Avanti and walks them out of the house.

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